Random Bits 19
by Nashiil
Summary: Tidus has discovered that his house does indeed have a bathroom. This calls for a tour and a demonstration of modern plumbing. Bathroom humor at its best!
1. Chapter 1

Welcome readers! In past random bits I have mentioned that Tidus' house doesn't have a bathroom (because I never saw evidence of bathrooms even existing in the game), so I decided to explore the idea a little more. I hope you will enjoy this silly possibility as to why Tidus' house doesn't have a bathroom and the salute to modern plumbing.**

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****Random Bits 19**

**Chapter 1**

**: Setting **- Tidus has just discovered that his house _does_ have a bathroom. All of his friends have been invited to see it. **:**

_**19 years or so, ago…**_

**: Location **- Zanarkand - Jecht's House. Dead of night. Jecht and Tidus' mother have just bought their first house. Furniture and decoration are sparse, but Jecht has an idea. **:**

"Great! Almost there. Turn your end diagonal…diagonal…_diagonal_!"

"Shhhhh!"

Jecht frowned at his wife as he struggled with his end of the billboard. There was no way it was going to fit through the door while completely vertical. "Turn your end diag….Thank you!" Together the happy couple wrestled the sign through the doorway.

"Awesome! Lets get it to the bedroom." Jecht said.

A few hours ago Jecht had seen a new billboard in town, promoting the Zanarkand Abes. Frozen in a cocky pose, his grinning figure graced one whole side of the sign. He had been contemplating the awesomeness of the picture and wondering how his wife would take it if he brought it home, when she said, "That's a really great shot of you!" Jecht was quiet a moment before hesitantly suggesting, "You know, it would be perfect for the bedroom." Mrs. Jecht tore her adoring gaze away from the sign long enough to give him a slow grin.

Thus they had worked side by side cutting off the portion with Jecht on it. He had been rather surprised to find her so eager, but then again that's why he had married her. She was probably the only other person in the whole world who loved him as much as he loved himself. He was so happy that he didn't even mind dragging the billboard halfway around the city in an attempt to elude authorities, who were less than happy to discover the two vandals.

The sign was now safely on its way down the hallway. "Go a little ways past the door Jecht. Farther…farther…there! Let me get the door." Switching her grip to one of the ribs along the back of the sign, Tidus' mother leaned her end against the wall and went to open the door. After a moment she turned and gave her husband an apologetic look, "It's stuck again."

Jecht looked at her, doubtful. "Are you turning it the right way?" She gave him a dirty look in return. "Sorry. Let me get it."

The current Abes star gently wedged his end of the billboard against the opposite wall, careful not to get it stuck, and went to aid his wife. In a chorus of grumbles, grunts, and thumps the two thieves fought with the door. When Jecht hauled on the handle with all his strength and instructed his wife to ram the door, the handle decided that it had had enough rough treatment for one night and broke. Jecht was pitched backwards against the carefully placed edge of the sign, jamming it between the two walls. The pair stared at their new wall in the long silence that followed, the bedroom door slowly swinging open behind them. After a bit, Jecht muttered in disappointment, "The pictures, not even on this side."

_**Present…**_

**: Location** - Besaid -Waterfall Way - Tidus' House - Tidus is showing off his new bathroom. **:**

"See? A bathroom." Tidus said proudly to Jecht as his companions explored the world of advanced plumbing. He was quite proud of himself for discovering the long lost and previously mythical room. He had grown up listening to rumors of its existence in the form of grumbles and wistful sighs along the lines of , 'Man! What happened to our bathroom?', 'I wish we had a bathroom.', ' I know there was one when we moved in!', and 'I just want to take a shower!'.

It had happened quite by accident. After a long day spent helping with the village's seasonal sanitation, which had been tedious (thanks to the meticulous village grannies) and very dull, Tidus had stumbled home and fallen asleep on his feet on his way to his room. He was rudely awakened when he fell through the wall in the hallway, which turned out to be the rotting remains of a billboard sign. After recovering from awaking to the image of Jecht staring fiercely down at him, the teen had discovered several more feet of hallway and a door. That dusty door turned out to have a bathroom behind it. The following morning he had rushed down to the village to tell his friends.

Now they were all standing in the spacious bathroom, gazing around in wonder. Jecht abruptly gripped his son's shoulders, face twisting in agony as he groaned, with heartfelt remorse, "All those years your mother and I could have taken romantic-!"

"No!" Tidus yelped in terror. Twisting fee, he rammed his hands over his ears and desperately chanted, "LalalaIcan'thearyoulalala!" Luckily for him, Yuna came to his rescue.

"Oh, Sir Jecht, what is that?" The young Summoner asked, smoothly distracting the former Sin. The scruffy man sighted along the girl's outstretched finger. "Oh, that's the shower." he cheerfully informed her. The shower loomed in the back right hand corner of the room, and was an impressive structure of glass and silver. It was tiled in the same stuff as the floor, accented with brushed silver plumbing and had room enough for five people…or three Ronsos.

"Wow, it's huge!" Wakka exclaimed, opening the door and poking his head in. With a happy smile for some early memories Jecht replied, "Yep. I like to have a little wiggle room."

The Guardians and their Summoner shuddered as terrible mental images of exactly what Jecht might need wiggle room for in a shower traipsed merrily across the landscapes of their minds, waving and giggling. Unaware of the mental trauma and future years of therapy that remark had caused, Jecht highlighted the good points of indoor plumbing. "You control the water temperature with these knobs here-this one is hot, this one is cold-and if you do it right, you get warm water!"

"Warm water?" Wakka gasped excitedly.

"That's right," Braska's final summon said proudly, "No more freezing your nadgers off under the icy waterfall."

Lulu rolled her crimson eyes heavenward, "We live on a tropical island that never sees temperatures below 80 degrees. The water is luke warm in the shade."

"Yeah," Wakka retorted, "But it would be nice to bathe with warm water every once in a while."

"Like you bathe regularly." The Black Mage snorted.

"Hey, I bathe-!"

"Swimming doesn't count."

"Who wants to give it a try?" Jecht asked, hoping for a female volunteer. Hope was immediately snuffed out.

"Oh, me! Me!" Wakka crowed, jumping into the shower and beginning to strip.

"Oh, for Yevon's sake!" Lulu snapped, exasperated. She cast Sleep on her (for want of a better word) friend, before anyone went suddenly Blind. Wakka hit the shower tiles with a squeak of bare skin hitting a freshly waxed gym floor, little 'z's floating into the air around is head. Jecht, never one to let an opportunity for a demonstration go to waste, nudged the slumbering Islander under the shower head and turned on the water.

"So, anyway, it works like this," he began, fiddling with the taps (which oddly enough had noting to do with fiddles, harps, or any other kind of stringed instrument). "When you are nice and wet, you use a little of this." Jecht lifted a small plastic bottle from its place in the shower caddy. "'S called body wash. You wash your body with it."

"You don't say." Auron said in a tone writhing with sarcasm. "Thank Yevon you're here; we would have never guessed!"

Jecht threw a scowl in the Legendary Guardian's direction, but to his credit, rallied splendidly. "It's like soap, 'cept you an use it more than once or twice a month." Excited murmuring swept through the group. Soap that was mild enough to use more than once or twice a month was unheard of. The only forms of soap that had existed in Spira were sand and the now popular combination of animal fat and lye that could take off dirt and two layers of skin. Like medieval peoples, Spirans used it for washing clothes, cleaning household items and themselves, usually at the same time (waiting about two weeks for the chemical burns to heal between scrubbings).

Jecht upended the bottle and squeezed out a stream of blue gel, making the same carefree movements with his arm that were normally associated with drizzling chocolate syrup on a sundae. "Then you start scrubbing!" the dark haired man said brightly, grabbing the back brush from its bracket and setting to work.

"Don't forget to wash in the wrinkles, dad." Tidus called encouragingly, "That's where the dirt likes to hide."

"I think I've seen enough." Lulu muttered, revolted. Very few things could turn the young woman's stomach. Island life had seen to that with its constant supply of drowning victims, fiend attack victims, and Got-Caught-Cheating-On-The-Wife-With-The-Neighbor victims (who were often gruesomely wounded in ways that not even the most barking mad, ax wielding murderer with rather strange fetishes, could think of).

But, this was different. It reminded her of the Shoopuff Wash fundraiser she had been forced to attend last summer. Yuna, as High Summoner, Destroyer of Sin, Famous Daughter of Braska, and All Around Nice Person, had been invited to the Moonflow for the event. As a loyal Guardian and childhood friend, Lulu had been forced to accompany her. So had everyone else, but that was beside the point.

Watching a small creature wash a huge, floppy-skinned titan with an oversized toothbrush had not been the highlight of Lulu's day, and was not for the faint of stomach. The entire event had ended in tragedy when a Hypello had gotten a little over zealous with the scrubbing. The way the skin had started swaying…Well, with all the momentum that had built up, there hadn't been anything anyone could have done.

"Aww, but you haven't seen the shampoo demonstration yet…" Tidus began, then stopped when he caught the scalding glower Lulu was giving him. You just didn't argue with someone who could give you more than just a metaphorical third degree burn. Tidus had already experienced one full body sunburn, which had been a real pain, but had lead to the amazing achievement of successfully peeling the skin off his face all in one piece. Despite all that, he decided to err on the side of caution and quickly ushered the visitors of the Floating House Museum to the next exhibit; the sinks.

The closest things to sinks in Spira were buckets, or a pair of cupped hands. The temples did have large stone basins filled with sacred water, which were used for blessings, baptisms, and numerous other ceremonies, like holding the head of a person underwater to test if they were a witch. A fool proof test since no one (sarcastic emphasis, wink-wink, etc,) in all of Spira could stay under water for more than a few seconds _Coughcoughblitzballpalyerscough. _They were not for washing up in. Tidus found this out the hard way one early morning after a quick jog around the island. The High Priest had nearly had an aneurism when, upon unlocking the temple for the morning he found the basin of scared water being defiled by a blond foreigner with a big smile and a bar of soap.

A long counter top of the same black marble as the floor occupied most of the left hand wall. It contained two seashell shaped sinks large enough to comfortably accommodate one full-grown chocobo each. Both were beautifully sculpted works of art and looked as if there should have been a beautiful nude goddess standing in each. As beautiful as the sinks were, they were not the center of the sudden, intense attention. Along the wall above the backsplash was a long mirror.

It has been said that a diamond is a girl's best friend. This is false. A girl's best friend is a mirror. There is not a single woman in the entire universe who doesn't own a mirror (or at least something with a reflective surface). It is an absolute necessity, and the most important item in a woman's arsenal of Things She Needs to Look Good. Without a mirror, Hair, Makeup, and Outfit aren't going to happen.

Females spend years learning the high level of hand-eye coordination necessary to get ready for their everyday activities ( like shopping, or shopping). One false move with and eyeliner pencil and bye-bye binocular 20/20 vision. This is why it takes women so long to get ready in the morning. Guys don't have to worry about accidentally crimping and eyelid with an eyelash curler, trying to get their hair right, or making sure their butts don't look too big in those pants.

Even if a female doesn't have a mirror with her, she will use someone else's , or what ever reflective surface is available, be it water puddle, window, someone's sunglasses, or even eyeball. Show a woman a mirror and she will do one or all of three things: a Hair, Make up, or Butt check. All will be done multiple times, just in case something has changed in the last two minutes.

The air of quiet anticipation was shattered as Rikku pointed at the mirror and screamed so loud that that the sound waves upset the tenuous hold Jecht and Auron had over their forms. The two Guardians wavered, then gently exploded, sending pyre-flies whizzing off in all directions. Kimahri clamped his huge hands protectively over his ears as they threatened to turn inside out. Humans were so inconsiderate and just didn't understand how sensitive Ronso ears were. They went around doing thoughtless things like shouting, laughing, and being born with high-pitched voices.

The big blue Ronso cautiously uncovered his ears as Tidus, misunderstanding the situation completely, rushed over to reassure the Al Bhed teen. "It's okay, don't be afraid!" the boy soothed. "It's not a dope…dollop…doppler…"

"Doppelganger." Jecht said helpfully, from beside Kimahri as he pulled himself together.

It took several minutes because the pyre-flies had to swirl around the room, form a spectacular comet and then strike the ground dramatically with a burst of light. Auron coalesced quietly next to him. The Legendary Guardian didn't go in for all of that showing off nonsense. Why do through all the trouble when everyone already knew he was awesome?

"Doppelganger! Thanks. It's just your Reflect(ion)." Tidus continued, unable to resist the capital 'R' and the parenthesis.

"Ha! Reflection! Good one, son." Jecht called approvingly.

"Thanks, dad."

A double Hand of Justice was dealt swiftly and without mercy. "That was for the lame joke," Auron informed Tidus, before turning a venomous glare on Jecht and barking, "And that's for reproducing." Justice served, he spun on his heel and went to find a wall to lean against. The hisses and grumbles as the father and son vigorously rubbed their stinging scalps was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard.

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How many of you are going to dip your fingers in the holy water at church and giggle this weekend?

Just for your information:

1. lye soap is not as harsh as it was once believed to be 2. medieval peoples did bathe, wash clothes, and wash dishes in the same water at the same time 3. sand was the original soap 4. bathwater wasn't thrown out until the entire family had finished bathing in it first. Starting with dad and ending with baby, it was pretty dirty by then. Hence the phrase 'don't throw the baby out with the bathwater'


	2. Chapter 2

Here's chapter 2, where we leave medieval plumbing and sanitation behind and move on to the modern! I hope you find it enjoyable.

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**Random Bits 19**

**Chapter 2**

**: Setting **- Tidus has just discovered that his house _does_ have a bathroom. All of his friends have been invited to see it. **:**

**: Location** - Besaid -Waterfall Way - Tidus' House - The tour of the Floating House Museum has just been interrupted by bad hair. **:**

While Auron was dealing justice, the girls had rushed Rikku to the mirror. Yuna's perky cousin gazed distraughtly at her reflection. "It's even worse close up." She whimpered. There was only so much a girl could take. The fluffy pink clouds of cheerfulness were crowded out by the roiling thunderheads of embarrassed realization.

Brother had put her ponytail on crooked, left huge locks of hair dangling, and hadn't even tried to match the clips. Rikku was no stranger to hardship, and usually found the occasional load of midden that Life shoveled her way with a sunny disposition and cheery outlook. But sometimes the good old universe would grin and hand her an empty roll of toilet paper, and there was nothing left to do except try to tease the last few scraps of paper off the roll and pray it would be enough.

This time it wouldn't be enough. Fiends, creepy Guado stalkers, physical manifestations of unethical concepts (or 'Sin' for short) were one thing, but hair was sacred.

"Maybe you should have done it yourself." Lulu suggested kindly, "Brother usually does a good job, but well, he _is_ a guy."

"But he's usually so good at it." Rikku sniffled.

"He was probably just in a hurry." Yuna said generously, patting the smaller girl's shoulder.

It was not widely known that Brother was quite a skilled hair stylist. He had spent years in training (which began as soon as his baby sister had grown hair and Cid refused to play the part of hair dresser). Thanks to his seventeen years (and counting) at the Baby Sister Salon, Brother could do a wickedly fashionable ponytail with coordinating clips, bows, and makeup job in under five minutes. It just goes to show that you can't judge someone by their looks alone.

"That's no excuse." Lulu said coldly. "Doing your hair isn't like doing laundry. You can't just shake it out and hang it up. It has to be done properly." She turned to Yuna, and with the air of a General commanding his troops said, "I need a brush, hair elastics, and a bottle of mousse…flexible hold!"

Jecht turned away from the estrogen saturated scene as the girls went to work, enlisting Tidus as sort of portable accessory table.

"Wimmin," the former Sin sighed in exasperation. "Show 'em a mirror and they'll spend all day lookin' at themselves, fixing their hair, and complain'in about how big their butts are getting. It's like they can't get enough of admiring themselves; they're so vain! It's disgusting."

Auron's jaw dropped, which would have seriously knocked down his Cool Factore had the lower half of his face not been hidden by his collar. His inner Auron fell to its knees and praised the person who had designed his coat. Cool guys didn't go around gaping like trout in the face of the unexpected. They were 'cool' because they faced surprises with a haughty glare, and an attitude of utter confidence that said 'You don't like it? Bite me.'

Auron recovered with out losing a single point and replied dryly, "This coming from the man who tried to drag a huge picture of _himself_ into his bedroom?" Jecht shrugged,

"So? What's wrong with that? It's like a family portrait."

Auron's brain farted out of sheer incredulity, blowing out any possibility of a reply. The man was insufferable! Yevon only know how he had found someone dumb enough to agree to marry him. She must have been desperate, or drunk.

Bereft of coherent thought, the older Guardian turned to Kimahri for help. Or, at least he would have it there had been a Ronso to turn to. Apparently females weren't the only ones drawn to mirrors. The mirror had attracted quite a crowd. Wakka, who had woken up wet, bewildered, and several shades lighter, was standing off to one side inspecting his teeth. Auron spotted the Ronso at the very back of the jostling group, somewhat shamefaced as he surreptitiously groomed his whiskers.

With a little spark of malign glee, Auron snorted at Jecht and said, "And you were saying that girls were vain?" He nodded at the activity around the mirror and had the pleasure of seeing the grin evaporate off Jecht's face like alcohol. There, right up front and happily fluffing his hair, was Tidus. Jecht's mouth hung open, almost to his knees.

"They're so vain!" Auron drawled with stinging sarcasm.

"What? Nuthin' wrong with a guy making sure his hair looks good." Jecht shot back defensively once he found his voice. He lost it seconds later when his son twisted around and did a Butt Check.

Thinking quickly, before Tidus could emasculate himself further, the Ex-Final Aeon shouted, "Hey, I saved the best for last! Everyone look at this!" It took Jecht several tries to gain everyone's attention. There was just no rushing along the path to Good Hair (because it was paved with tangles, split-ends, frizzies, fly-aways, cow-licks, and the occasional broken clip or snapped hair elastic). Once the Primp and Preen Committee had wrapped up, Jecht could finally introduce his fellows to the main attraction.

The modern commode has come along way since it's first appearance as a shallow hole in the ground. Over the years, privacy became an issue and the hole was concealed by the four walls of the outhouse, and later brought inside in the form of the garderobe (a.k.a long shaft leading to a cesspit, topped by a wooden seat). After assassins found the garderobe shafts quite useful for ambushing high ranking officials with a rear attack, they were replaced by chamber pots. Modern advancements eventually brought about a toilet that flushed away waste and prevented anything larger than a rat or snake from swimming up the pipes. From the humble hole in the ground the toilet evolved a sleek, stylish form, a variety of colors, and unique attributes to optimize its survival rates( like low-flow, power flush, built in seat warmer, wash and dry, and radio options).

Eventually the bathroom was built around the toilet. Everything from the wall color to the tiles was carefully chosen to accent the toilet. But, no matter how extravagant a bathroom, no matter how luxurious or richly designed, no modern chamber pot has ever sat on a dais, until now.

Hushed gasps of reverence filled the room as the party approached the spectacle with slow, measure steps as if they were approaching a god. It was standard practice. You didn't just walk up to a god and say 'hi', how you doin'?' No, it was better to walk up slowly and respectfully (with your pants pulled up and your shirt tucked in) because you never knew if the god you were approaching was the god of Love, Peace and Eternal Patience, or a god of Cruelty, Twisted Humor, and Rage with a side of Anger Management Issues.

The object in question was vaguely chair shaped and perching majestically at the top of a two step stair case leading up to it."Everyone, this is a modern toilet." Jecht said, waving an arm expansively.

"It looks like a throne, ya?"

"Er…Yeah, sure."

The Guardians and their Summoner crowded around for a closer look.

"How does it work?" Rikku asked, fingers itching to take it apart. Struck with the sudden knowledge that he was expected to explain the intricacies of toilet use, Jecht did was he always did when faced with an unpleasant task. He dumped it on someone else. The blitz ball legend turned to Tidus and said,

"Over to you, son." And with a cheerful wave, faded out.

Without so much as an uncomfortable cough, the boy said, "Like this!" and, with the air of a two-bit magician pulling a coin out of a volunteer's ear, pushed the little silver handle on the side of the tank. Water swirled with a hiss and disappeared with a gurgle before the eyes of the astonished onlookers. Auron was impressed. Tidus was possibly better at avoidance than Jecht was much more clever about it too.

"And that's all there is to it." Tidus said. "You… uh…" he paused, searching for more appropriate phrases than 'take a dump', 'pinch a loaf', and 'drop a load'. "…do your business, then the water flushes it away. No more scratching in the dirt or stepping into other people's, uh…leavings."

Yuna and company found this quite astounding, considering that once you walked into the tree line, who's bathroom you had just walked into was anybody's guess. Of course there were always some people who forgot to fill in the privy when they were done, or just plain didn't cover it good enough. This second scenario was the worst because the unwary often found themselves in need of fresh footwear. Plus, it was no fun stumbling to the bathroom in the wee hours of the morning, barefoot and half asleep, only to be jolted into full wakefulness by something warm and squishy on the bottom of your foot. So, a toilet that actually did the dirty work for you was an incredible technological advancement. But as amazing as it was, it gave rise to the question: "So, where did it all go?"

"And the water takes it away? Just like that?" Rikku inquired.

"Yep!"

"Where to?"

"…"

The newest Guardian shot Auron a look that could have only been a silent, and desperate cry for help. It was similar to the Puppy Eyes most kids used to get something they wanted, except that Puppy Eyes were usually sad and hinted at broken hearts and tears, where as these eyes were practically foaming and threatening bodily harm. With no actual corporeal body to harm, Auron grinned into his collar as he leaned casually against the wall and made a motion that indicated he was generously giving Tidus the floor (not physically, since 1. Tidus already owned the floor he was standing on, and 2. It was just a metaphor for giving a person permission to speak, and have everyone's full attention while doing it).

Tidus frowned at the man, giving him a dirty look, and stuttered, "Well, …it, uh…Ah! It flushes it down the pipes and out into the water, where it, er…enriches the streams?" he Scanned his companions faces and was taken aback at the pallor of utter horror etched on each countenance.

"It gets washed into the only freshwater stream on the Island." Lulu said slowly.

"Um, yeah." Tidus replied, shifting uneasily, "All toilets and sinks do."

"But we drink that water." Rikku quavered, disgusted.

"Unsanitary!" Kimahri rumbled.

Feeling as if he were under attack, Tidus defended himself, retorting hotly with "Not as unsanitary as just leaving it out where every Marp, Ric, and Yenke (Tidus had to improvise because Spira didn't have the normal, average Joes known as Tom, Dick, and Harry. This may be a little too old for most of you younger readers.) can step in it."

"Oh, yes. It's much more sanitary to _drink_ it." Lulu drawled with stinging sarcasm.

"You don't drink it," Tidus snapped "Because the current washes it downstream!"

Sudden silence elbowed its way into the room like a mom at a bargain sale as the terrible truth sank in. There was a shared thought of _We live downstream!_

"_All _waste gets washed out into the rivers and oceans anyway." The boy added dismissively. A terrible mental tableau bobbed through the mind's eye of the assembled. It was filled with floating objects of the organic persuasion, with a color scheme in the green, brown, and yellow range.

It was here that Yuna decided that she'd had enough, and the best course of action would be to leave before anyone became violently ill. Or, judging by the seething glare he was receiving from Lulu, Tidus ended up floating up Poo (because even Yuna's thoughts were polite) Creek. "Er, that's very interesting, Tidus," the young Summoner said hesitantly, giving the boy a pat on the arm. She shot a mild frown at Auron (which was okay because she'd missed anyway, and hadn't wanted to hit him in the first place) as the man coughed. It had sounded nothing like a cough, and everything like the word 'moron'. "Well, everyone," Yuna continued diplomatically, "As difficult as it is to leave this amazing example of modern technology, I think it's time we were going." The young Summoner's entourage needed no further encouragement. It was the excuse they had been waiting for, and they took it, rushing for the door with alacrity.

Tidus followed his friends to the front door and along the gangplank-like causeway to the road, babbling about hanging out a while longer. His generous offers to make lunch were politely, but firmly declined. The Spirans had discovered enough about modern plumbing and sanitation, and had decided that someone else could have it.

With a last wave goodbye as his fellow Guardians rounded the end of Waterfall Way, Tidus returned to his little floating house. He would be all alone for a while, with no one to talk to. There was no telling when Jecht would deem it safe enough to come back. The man tended to avoid work and responsibility whenever possible. Thus Tidus found himself standing forlornly in the living room, wondering what he was going to do for the next few hours.

His friends sure had left in a hurry. He pondered this as he rooted through the pathetic contents of the refrigerator: half empty jug of milk that had been in there so long it was developing a rudimentary intelligence, a couple of geriatric tomatoes, a bunch of brown bananas, a bowl of pudding that had sprouted a nice head of hair, and the ubiquitous tub of Mystery Meat. There is some in every fridge. No one knows what it is, where it came from, or when it was put there. It is a species belonging to the Leftovers family of which there are a variety of sub species. The Plastic Tub variety is the most common. This variety is usually reddish brown, shading to a lovely iridescent green, and has a meaty, _organic _scent.

A squishy banana in hand, Tidus was heading for the couch when he became aware of an odd, rhythmic squeak. All alone, Tidus' imagination supplied a multitude of gruesome causes for the squeak, mostly involving homicidal maniacs with at least one artificial limb consisting of a sharp pointy object, and a name like 'Forkhand', 'Breadknife Fingers', 'Rusty Ice Pick Teeth', or 'Rob'.

Grabbing the only weapon in reach, Tidus gulped down his fear and crept through the house. The squeak led him to the bathroom. With a surprisingly decent war cry, Tidus kicked the door open and leapt into the tiled room, banana held ready to face Plunger Butt or whatever crazed murderer it was that hung out in bathrooms. With Tidus' luck, the psycho probably killed his victims by strangling them with the nylon rope on the bath puff and harvested their eyelashes or armpit hair.

Whoever was standing in for Yu Yevon must have been in a charitable mood, because the source of the squeak was neither psychotic, nor associated with any kind of household implement. Kimahri froze in the act of unrolling the toilet paper as the bathroom door banged open and Tidus leapt in. There was a moment of uncomfortable silence. The Ronso stood guiltily, ankle deep in unraveled paper while Tidus stood in an awkward pose that would have been heroic if he had not been holding a withered piece of fruit. The effect was further spoiled by the fact that due to his terrified grip, the banana was now oozing between his fingers.

The Tableau held for a few more moments, as the two Guardians exchanged looks, each daring the other to say anything. Then without a sound, Kimahri went back to unrolling the toilet paper, wearing the look of utter contentment cats usually have while doing this. Tidus slowly back out of the bathroom, closing the door firmly behind him.

End.

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Watch out! Back Brush Bobby is creeping up behind you!


End file.
